Monday, July 20, 2015

Growing Pains: Break ups

I've been postponing writing about this for a little while although I've wanted to share it with you. This is a personal story that involves people who might read this blog, so I hope I don't offend anyone, but this is my story and I hope maybe this can help others if they are ever in a similar situation.

I've dropped little hints here and there but never just came out and said it. As of late April, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. We had lived together for a year at the time, and I had thought and hoped that he was "the one" for me. It took me a long time to realize that this wasn't the case. I'm not saying he's a bad person, or that we fought all the time, or that I just want to be single and live up my twenties. We truly cared for each other deeply, and I still care for him now but in a different way. 

Towards the end of our relationship I was having a lot of internal doubts. I found myself going out with friends more often than staying in and spending time with him on weeknights. I found myself crushing bottles of wine and immersing myself in my own individual hobbies by myself. I knew I was avoiding him and felt like there was something wrong even though I couldn't put my finger on one specific thing. I counted all the good times we had versus the bad times, and the good times always outweighed the bad times. However, at the end of the day, I often felt upset and lost for no specific reason. I feared that we had moved in together too quickly and that I was just getting cold feet. What if he is the right guy for me and I just throw that all away? 

After about four or so months of confusion, being upset, and the resulting fights that occurred because of this turmoil, I knew what I had to do. Breaking up is never easy, and especially so when you live with your significant other. I am here to say, you can do it! It's tough, it's scary, but it's achievable. I felt shady but I spent two weeks to finding a new apartment before I could bring up the nerve to tell him what I was doing. I knew that I had to rip the band-aid off and do everything all at once. I hear of stories of couples living together after one of them ends the relationship and I couldn't bear to do that to him or myself. 

I ended up talking to him about breaking up three times. The first time, I could barely talk through my crying, the second time he used logic to convince me that we weren't the worst couple out there and that every couple needs work. Everything he said was true, but that night as I laid in bed, I still felt uneasy. The third time, I enlisted all the support I had from family and friends and was able to tell him what needed to be done. I moved out that day.  

Even though, I wish that neither of us had been hurt in the process, I will never regret dating him or breaking up with him. I know, in my heart and head that we weren't meant for each other and there is better for the both of us out there. I've learned a lot and that is what getting older and growing up is all about. I really wanted to share some of the lessons I've learnt from the experience with you all. Some of you may already know these, some of you may have some lessons to add, some of you may disagree, but this is what I've personally learnt.

Never ignore your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Stop ignoring your internal red or orange flags.

Do not feel like a bitch for hurting someone. First and foremost, you are your utmost priority. Keep yourself happy and do what is right for yourself. 

Do not worry about what others will think. They will understand eventually. And if they never understand or accept it, then they need to be dumped as a friend too. 

Do not feel ashamed and don't feel like you have failed.

Do not feel like you're alone. You have a support system, and they are there for you no matter what.

Sometimes (most of the times, in my experience) it is much better for all parties involved to cut your losses and move on. There is someone out there for you. 

I know this is heavy to read on a Monday and I'm sorry if it's too personal (you should have stopped reading earlier!) but it honestly is healing to write this out. I appreciate all of your support.

What have your growing pains been?

Grateful Heart w/ Ember Grey

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